Friday 20 December 2019

9 months in, 9 months out

I turned 30 this week on Monday, literally 9 months minus a day that I became a mom. The end of one decade and the beginning of a new one as a completely different Brianne. A more confident, sure of herself, secure & happy Brianne. I have been feeling very introspective during the leadup to this birthday & I’m not going to go all hippy dippy on you, but I really feel like I have a clean slate going into this new decade and feel like a new & improved me. I feel sure of the path that I'm on, of the choices i made that lead me to it, and who I'm on the path with. Did anyone else feel this or is it just the hormones still? 
 I have a 9 month old baby. I am the mother of a very curious, funny, happy & active baby who is 3 months away from turning one. WHAT. How did this past 9 months fly by so fast? I know it’s cliche, but holy smokes man - I blinked and my baby went from the teeny little nugget we took home from the hospital who swam in newborn sleepers, to the 22 pound monkey who is much closer to walking unassisted than I’d like. It goes so fast. Newborn days simultaneously feel like a lifetime away, and last week. 

What can I say about motherhood other than it’s everything you’re warned of, and yet it still hits you like a squishy, adorable train. “You’ll never sleep again!” Except that it feels like you’ll never. sleep. again.. unless you have one of those awesome right out of the gate sleeper babies, which our FOMO child was not. If you have one of those unicorn babies, I hope you thank whatever shooting star, horseshoe or four leaf clover that crossed your path.

 It's taken me officially 9 months I would say to get me fully comfortable in all things Myles Nicholas. To really feel like I know him, and know what will work for him and what won't. Knowing where he can be flexible and where he needs his routine. From sleeping to eating to playing, I have finally figured out that my mama gut knows better than anyone. Myles was an adorable newborn, but easy is not a word either of us would use to describe him during that time. Particular? Yes. Easy? Not so much. Some would say he was colicky, some would say he was gassy/tired/hungry/wanted to see how close to the edge his parents could go. I would just say that Myles as a newborn humbled me fast. In a good way, I probably needed it; however it wasn't expected. 

In all truth, babies are little humans; they are their own person and they need some time to figure this brand new world out in their own way and in their own time. They need as much time figuring out life on the outside, as we do learning how to help them to figure it out. Now at 9 months, this is my favorite favorite stage. I'm watching his mind work in weird & wonderful ways. I'm listening to him have full conversations of babble, and I'm one of the lucky recipients of intentional kisses from him. He's such a snuggler and it's like the stork heard me wish for that when we ordered him. I googled so. much. in the first 6 months about everything: normal sleep patterns, normal poop, teething timelines, colic, gassy babies, when should he roll, crawl, smile, you name it. And then i realized that none of those articles pertained to Myles. I was the only "expert" on him, and I could only become an expert by getting to know him first. Social media has made it incredibly easy to compare your baby to all the others around you: "Well her baby has 4 teeth and she's 2 months younger! Why doesn't he have any yet!?" "Jake, their baby sleeps through the night, and they took the same course we did! How come it's not working on him?" Yadda Yadda. 

I had to stop and remind myself that this little human is one of a kind, and he will figure everything out in his own time, on his own schedule. I have to follow my mama instinct's, because they're connected with him. My little monkey may have no teeth, but he's been commando crawling since he was 4 months because in his timeline, moving was much more of a neccesity than chompers were, and mama's boobies are thankful for that anyway. He pulls himself up on anything in .2 seconds flat, and we're discovering there is nothing Myles enjoys more than doing something silly & getting a laugh out of us. & There is nothing we love more than seeing his "I'm so proud of myself" smile; not to be confused with his mischevious smile, or his "Goodness I love you" smile. 
 Things motherhood has taught me:
  • Even the “longest” seasons are still short.
    • You think you’ll never lose the weight, and then you just do. Your body doesn't look the same (nor should it, really), but you'll start fitting into your old clothes again and you won't expect just how good that feels. 
    • You think your relationship will never be the way it was again, and then it is - just a better version of it because now you have the same tiny sidekick who you're indescribably obsessed with. 
    • You’ll never sleep again! And then, you do. 
    • You swear you're team one and done.. And then you're not so sure anymore because look how teeny he was and we make such wicked little humans. 
  • I wish I could have a do-over with my friends who had babies before me. I would have more understanding of what their version of busy looked like compared to mine; I would bring them dinner or offer to do the dishes for them when I went to visit. I would understand if they didn't text me back, or even text me first. One of my best friends is having a baby and I seriously feel like this is my chance to make up for all the times she cooked me dinner when I would go over and see her and the kids after work, consumed in my own world and not paying attention to fully take in hers. 
  • You drop way more stuff on the ground than you think. & you don't truly notice until you have a little mini putting every little thing into his mouth. 
  • Babies are way more resilient than you give credit for. Don't worry mama. 
  • As mentioned above, you can google until your blue in the face and convinced your baby is going to "dry drown" overnight because he accidentally swallowed some bath water & coughed. You can max out your phone storage with every app there is, but nothing will tell you more than about your baby, than your own baby will. however, did have some great resources & definitely one I would recommend bookmarking. 

There are so many cliches about motherhood that you don't know are true until you're in the thick of it, part of the club. Do I look back on my last decade of selfishness, tight stomach skin & sleeping in on weekends fondly and with a heavy dose of nostalgia? Yes, of course I do -  that's okay it just means I enjoyed them. Would I trade my life now to go back? Absolutely not. Actually, wait.  That's not true. Give me the tight skin, but leave me my littlest best friend who falls asleep watching me shovel when he's supposed to be overseeing the process. 

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