Friday Funnies

 It’s been a SEASON around here, to say the least. Sleep issues upon sleep issues, mixed in with the odd tooth rupture, stomach bug & a sprinkle of RSV just to be sure - it’s been a long season of winter. Relationships are not in their thriving season around here & that’s okay, there are ebbs and flows for a reason. 

But.

We’re all coming a bit unglued, Mom being the leader of that game. So yesterday, while it was only day 6 of the actual sickness this time; it was still day 267 of winter and we were scraping the bottom finding things to do to keep us happy, entertained and comfortable. 

So let me set the scene. We piled up in outside clothes, and played in the areas of the yard that were no longer snowy. Myles was setting the excavation sites up & Jack was testing the leaves to assess their nutrition after a long winter of being buried. Mom was cringing at the dirt & muck but she was pushing through because that’s growth baby, can’t control the mess all the time. 

So once we were done outside - vocalized by Jack in a perfect pitch temper shriek, we were heading inside. “They need a bath now to warm up, and I need a shower! Okay I’ll shower & they can play at my feet with their toys and the bathroom will get good and steamy.” Score one for mom! 

LOL, Sure Jan.

So picture it, we’re all naked and I’m gathering all the supplies. Putting towels & jammies in the dryer so my little cherubs are cozy cozy when they come out of their wonderful sensory activity. Jack is waddling around belly first, trash talking the game plan to us. Myles is standing in the bath as the water runs, because he wants to feel the shower start. Bliss is about to be had.

(WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THIS NEXT STEP)

I turn on the shower. And blast that poor feverish kid with cold water. INSTANT Screaming. Howling. Well fuck.

Okay no problem! In comes Mom & Jack and we’re having fun! This is fun! Trucks & containers to fill with water! Fun fun! Distraction, cuddles! Togetherness! No.

Jack joins the chorus because anything his brother is doing he co-signs entirely. So in unison we have howling screams, no fun is being had and NO fun will be had, thank you very much, Mother!!! 

So in a whirlwind of slippery bodies and towels, I gather everybody up, and just panic go into our laundry closet and wrap them in the warm towels. We end up in a pile of warm clothes fresh from the dryer, burritoed in tight. 

As my sopping wet hair drips down my back because I’m the last one I worried about getting cold, or dry, naturally. (I forget what it’s like when I put myself first)

After a few moments of apologizing for clearly traumatizing them and asking why they hated it so much, we were calm and cuddled in. 

“Boy mom, that shower sure went haywire! It was like whoosh whoosh whoosh, what a mess!”

Yea Myles, nailed it. Guess we’ll stick to baths for now.

Jack David Stuchberry, the missing piece.

 Our little Jack; Jack Jack, Jackie Boy, Goldie Boy, Danny Devito. Jack turned one on January 27th, so now is as good a time as ever to introduce him! He's the little boy we swore we weren't going to have for nearly 3 years, and the little blonde monkey who perfectly completed our family - human wise at least. 

I should've known Jack was going to be a spicy little monk, my pregnancy was about as difficult as it could get. Outside factors had a lot to do with it - and likely caused  a lot  of the later trimester health concerns, but from day 1 this kid made my body his bitch; working himself into any crevice he could, getting good & comfy. I stopped working out entirely because my hips hurt so bad (don't worry, hindsight also tells me that was not the correct path to take), and could neither be on my feet comfortably, nor could I sit comfortably. Essentially the only comfortable position was beached whale, which doesn't really exist with a lively 2 year old to chase. 

So on January 27th, when I went to the bathroom for the 43rd time that morning at 6 am, I was fucking delighted  to see a bit of blood when I wiped. 

"Fucking fuck yes, FINALLY. Get out of me." - did I mention I had had Covid the few days prior, and was throwing up almost the entire day for the past... 5 weeks? Get. Him. Ouuuut. Safely, please & thank you. 

So I'm getting all of our overnight/Myles to Nana & Papa's/ take Baby home items and bags ready, and meanwhile my husband is putting his hospital outfit in the dryer to eliminate wrinkles. the one he is literally about to fold & pack. And he's parked infront of me, so Myles & I can't leave until he does. After pleasantly asking him to light a fire under his ass, about as peacefully as you can imagine a woman in labor doing so, Myles & I were on our way to my parents, and Jake was off to work - local, so he could leave at a moment's notice. 

I should mention I really had no contractions, just a lot of pressure. With Myles there were obvious contractions. So mom & I just figured we'd go the hospital and get checked (I had missed my last OB appointment due to the aforementioned Cov), see how dilated I was if anything past the 2cm I had been for 3 weeks. I had a body shower, got ready and we headed up, giving Myles a million kisses and hugs before leaving him with my dad. 

It's like the universe just knows me, but as we were waiting to check in - my OB walked in to start her rounds up at the maternity ward. In Vernon it's pretty unlikely you'll get your OB to actually deliver your baby, so this was like, fortuitous. This baby had to come out today; not only was she my OB, she delivered Myles too. I knew we would only ever be having two babies and I loved the symmetry of the same amazing doctor deliver both my boys into this world.  

So I started doing squats, and plie squats, and bouncing in place. You're coming out today Mister Man, let's go. 

After getting hooked up to the monitors and doing my covid test (which I warned them would likely make me throw up, everything was during those miserable days), Dr. Manji came and checked and I was 5cm dilated and having a baby. My blood pressure again had been climbing and it was too high to sendly safe me home to further progress, so I was getting checked in. I called Jake and told him to leave his site and join. I had him on speaker and he asked if he had time to finish the bit he was working on, to which our lovely nurse (also a Myles team OG!) replied quite shortly, "No."

Once Jake joined us, we moved to our birthing room and got started. Because my pressure was too high, they started me on oxytocin & broke my water. I still never got a contraction, just unreal pressure - it literally felt like my spine was trying to escape through my bumhole. Lovely, right? Around 3pm I told them it was feeling harder to breathe through the pressure contractions because my body was screaming at me to push, so pushing I began. 6 minutes. SIX MINUTES later, after apologizing in between pushes that I "didn't remember how much this hurt!! I'm sorry for being so dramatic", Jack David Stuchberry joined me on my chest and I just remember thinking "well of course it's you, you're Jack. Of course you needed to be here with us, I've known you forever." Meeting someone you created is the most surreal, trippy experience one can ever experience. Rihanna described it as "tripping on acid" and honestly, I get it. 

Jack Stuchberry was born in record time, 6 hours from start to finish essentially, and perfect in every way. A funny little Gus with sparkling eyes and a temper to fit a whole room if he felt like it; thankfully he rarely does. Looks almost nothing like his brother, and the most delightful little bookend to our family. Our little Goldie boy, the boy the universe knew we needed to borrow. 

Out of the Mouth of Myles

 I can't believe I have an almost 4 year old; it's one of those bizarre things where you logically realize it, but still can't fathom you're old enough to have that much responsibility. 

I digress, this isn't about that. This is about how freaking funny my almost 4 year old is. And insightful, witty, romantic, dramatic; he's all the things in the most perfectly Myles way. 

A few years ago when I was working at Birch, my coworker Trish gave me one of my most treasured presents: a personalized journal with a photo of Myles that is both mine & Jake's all-time favorite. His curly curly mop of hair, holding tightly to his bestie Mr Sloth & his 18 month old baby belly proudly hanging out. What i love about Trish is she always had this wise third eye about her; she didn't know it was our favorite, she found it on my instagram and could feel his little soul shining through the picture. "Kids say the sweetest, funniest things, and they say things a certain way that you swear you'll remember forever. But you don't, and so this journal is to write down all the things he says that you never ever want to forget"

And I wrote in it any chance I got, anytime I could remember to do it. But then I got busy and life whizzes by and i haven't in a while, but I text them to myself so I don't forget them. 

Part of the charm of Myles is his ability to warm up to anyone, and illicit a smile from even the most crotchety of the bunch. He's an old soul, our little chocolate lab with too much energy for his own good sometimes. Enjoy these little nuggets, out of the mouth of my babe. 

……………

“No Daddy! I’m just ‘TENDIN!” - Jake was making the epic mistake of correcting him that his truck was not in fact a dinosaur. Rookie rookie move, Daddy

"Stop combing my hair! I don't want to look so handsome, I want to look like Myles!"

"Ohh my goodness mom, this is so cozy. Know what my body is telling you? It's saying 'Thank you, mommy Brianne!"…. quietly to himself, seconds later "Ohh this is so freaking cozy" 

"Can you put on the Shrek when they're in wuv?" - The song off Shrek when they're on their honeymoon, "Accidentally in Love" for those not as versed in Shrek songs as Jacob Stuchberry & I are. 

Actually, a full homage to the fact he can't pronounce his L's, or SM/SP sounds yet, so the following words are a cemented figure for us:

Pooties - Smoothies

Wuv- Love (this one is really going to break me when it ends)

Widdle - Little

Really any word that has an L in it comes out as a W, including his own name. Be still my freaking heart.

"Oh my GOSH this bath is so cold". Me: "Oh shoot, the bath is cold?".. "No, the bath is freaking cold."

Kid says freaking a lot.. it’s almost like his mother has a reformed…ish potty mouth :)

"I'm going to show you something and it's going to be really cool & not dangerous." Always a good start  

"I'm just watering Jack"

"Hey mom? Sometimes, sometimes I eat my boogers". Cool. 

(Myles wanted me to make him a fort like his Daddy does)

"Myles I'm not very good at this.."

"Mom, of course you are! You just need to try again"

I make one

"Mom you did it! I'm so proud of you! I'm really happy you did it". 

“Is this dinner a date? What is the dinner, chicken? Because I love chicken.” - Jake works so late that often i’ll wait to eat dinner until the kids have gone to bed and we make it into a “date” & there’s nothing Myles loves more than to third wheel his mom and dad. 

which leads me to…

“GROUP HUG!” - anytime Myles see Jake & I hugging, he launches himself in