Reporting to you from my deathbed.

I am going on day 10 of a flu/chest infection hybrid. Today is the first day I've A) showered, B) put on real people clothes and C) made my way out of the house for longer than 30 minutes and to somewhere other than my doctor's office. I was on mandatory bed rest from Thursday, but have really been in bed for the large part since last Tuesday. When you're an adult, spending the day lazy in bed can be relaxing, but you feel really guilty for not doing anything. Well, when it's your only choice, it's actually quite fun... For about 3 hours, then it's painfully boring. Here are some highlights of my week long bed rest:

1. Coughing this much should give me abs. I've coughed so much to the point where it hurts my abs incredibly to cough anymore, yet I'm still not seeing any definition here.. so.. anytime now, abdominals.


2. So. Much. COUGHING.


3. You know how oregano oil is supposed to be a super crazy antibiotic? Well, I figured that if one drop can do such great things, three drops in some water and taken like a shot would be magic, right? No, first hand experience will tell you that the oregano oil dry heaves that induces is not worth it. Oregano oil does not like to be fucked with.


4. I don't know a single food that makes me feel better when I'm sick quite like toast does. In the first 4 days where I couldn't stomach anything, toast was always a sure bet. Starchy carbs man, my immune system couldn't go on without them.


5. My loving, doting boyfriend kept me stocked on anything and everything I wanted all weekend, including tomato soup. Now you would think this is a pretty easy chore, but he is a tomato hater. Sending a tomato hater for tomato soup can easily result in soup that tastes like watered down ketchup (gag me). This man of mine though, comes home with roasted tomato bisque, and even better than that? It was all natural. (it may have been a little mix of medication and fever hallucinations, but I'm pretty sure there were angels singing in my room when it was discovered he got the exact kind that I wanted).


6. Saturday it was our one year anniversary, and we had grand plans to go to Kelowna for the day and make a whole day of it, followed by a yummy home cooked dinner. I was trying so hard all morning to convince myself I could do it and just take enough tylenol to fake feeling better, but alas, our day was not meant to be. Instead we spent our one year anniversary in bed, with me coughing and trying not to infect him, while we both christmas shopped online. It'll be one to remember, that's for sure.


7. I tried to spruce myself up slightly for when he came over on Friday night because you know, when you're this sick, you look it to. So I had a bath, shaved my legs, changed my hair from homeless chic to homeless topknot, and put on my cutest loungewear. HA. Fever sweats don't give a fuck who you're trying to impress, they're gonna ruin all of your efforts instantly.


8. I've been marathon-ing Gilmore Girls on netflix because I never watched it the first time around. I love watching shows that instantly date themselves. For example, one of the dates included going to the movie store to pick out a movie. Who remembers doing this!? It felt so nostalgic to see those things that were once so mundane, and now feel almost vintage..? It's crazy how TV shows can do that to you. Also for some nostalgia, who remembers when this was a trend?


9. Jake does not appreciate my Gilmore Girls recaps. He especially does not care to know which side of the Rory-Dean-Jess love triangle I picked (Jess, natch.)


10. I have never been more excited to see my doctor twice in one week. Because the second time around ended with me getting drugs. I've also never been so excited for antibiotics before.


11. There is no other event quite like getting sick that reverts you back to a mama & daddy's girl quite as fast. No one can quite nail the tone of, "how ya feelin', hunny?" quite like your mama can.


12. Candy Crush. The addiction is so real.

You've done it again, vegans.

I feel like it's a universal truth that Nutella is amazing, no? If you don't agree with that statement, there may be something wrong with you. Anytime I've had Nutella in the house, it starts off civilized enough, eat it on my toast, heat it up and drizzle it on
ice cream"fruit", the way a normal adult should eat it. That lasts about two days and then the much more popular version takes over, aka spoon meet Nutella jar. The thing with Nutella is, it's delicious for a reason. One serving can hold up to 200 calories, 12 grams of fat and 22 grams of sugar. It's candy, as much as we like to deny it, it's candy. But damn is it ever heavenly. But, because I have proven time and again I cannot have it in my house without consuming it at the rate of a fat kid who missed a meal or two, I don't buy it. Also, the more I learn about how much sugar we're consuming, as well as how many processed chemicals are in our day to day convenient foods, it's just not something I want in my house.

Well, those vegans man, they're at it again. I introduce to you, vegan Nutella. Now, I'm not a vegan myself, you would've heard about it by now, but they do have some clever little nacks when it comes to making sinful food, not quite so sinful. Here is the lineup:

Vegan Nutella: (Disclaimer: I didn't make the whole amount this time, because I wanted to make sure I liked it first. I probably made 1/3 of this amount, and it still yielded at least 3 servings)

• 2 heaping tablespoons of coconut oil


• 2-3 heaping tablespoons of dark cocoa powder


• ½ cup of hazelnut butter


• organic maple syrup to taste (or agave, honey, coconut sugar.. just not white sugar if you can avoid it)

I made mine in a Pyrex microwave bowl, and you just heat it all up and mix until they're blended. Put it in a storage container and either leave on the counter or refrigerate until you want to consume it. If you're leaving it on your counter, glass containers would be better than plastic.

Mind. Blown. This stuff is NUMMY.

Here's the deal with the vegan version: the cocoa powder is loaded with anti-oxidants, and while the coconut oil & hazelnut butter will still obviously have calories attached to it, they're calories coming from the good fats that our body needs, as well as some protein thrown in there. You can eat this stuff and for the most part, feel good about what you're putting into your body. Don't eat the whole container now, healthy does not equal negative calories in this case.
I had it as an after dinner snack with apples & greek yogurt and it was so delicious and filling, and best of all, the guilt you usually feel after eating a whole wack of Nutella is replaced with a feeling of smugness that you can eat chocolate while still gaining the benefits. *Not pictured: when I came back at that container with a spoon & ate half of it before I even knew what I was doing. Old habits die hard so it seems.

Halloween & My iPhone are enemies.

How was everyone's Halloween? What did everyone go as? I, apparently like every 3rd girl within a 120 mile radius, was a deer. I thought of this costume/makeup a month ago and thought I was being SO original.. Yeah, apparently not so much. Oh well, the makeup was beyond fun to do, and I was able to wear faux fur and leggings, can't beat that.. ever. Almost every drunk person thought I was a cat.. or a fox.. or some other woodland creature, but since my boyfriend was dressed as a hunter, it really worked no matter what they thought I was. The amount of times I heard "hey, haha, hey what does the fox say!?" throughout the night though never got old. Never ever.  Guess who hates selfies? This guy.. Too bad for him, since he's in love with the selfie queen. Muahahaha The look of sympathy ^^.. Especially since I make him take it -he's got longer arms, after all. He humors me so well. Plus he got to wear glorified sweatpants and a tee, who doesn't love a comfy costume?

Now, on to who did not enjoy Halloween: My phone. Last Halloween there was "an incident" we'll call it (aka, ladies watch your drinks), and my phone ended up not making it to the end of the incident. So I bought this one to replace it. Well, coming out of the pub I dropped it (clearly), on it's back. How many times I've dropped this thing with not even a scratch to show for it, but this time it just poof! Spidered all to shit. I've taken this as a sign that next Halloween, I will either leave my phone at home (HAH! Again, see above. Selfie QUEEN), or I will stay at home in sweats, with a bottle of wine and chocolate purchased for the non-existent trick or treaters I get.. The last 3 years I've had not even a single bunny or angel or witch in sight, so clearly a Costco sized box of chocolates will be needed. Butterfinger's go really well with Riesling, so I've heard.

Side note, the guy who fixed the screen of my phone, looks at it and goes "Yeah, this is why I don't drink." Let me just say, my wallet, pounding headache and slight hangover did not find that very funny.

This is why I can't have nice things.