Thursday 28 February 2013

My Ten Beauty "Commandments"

I am the baby of the family, and my sister is 12 years older than me. With this, brought endless makeup samples for me to "borrow", wanting to grow up at nano-speed so I could wear all of the colors she was, or try out the newest trends like she did. But, this also brought some seriously jacked moments in my own personal beauty vault. You know, DIY "henna", burning the skin off of my legs, converting my poor hair to little frizzly trees waiting to break off, and learning some painful lessons along the way.

1. Though shall not "melt" the hair off of my legs. Nair, you are a deceptive little jerk. Well, being the lazy little missus I am, I decided to give it a try. Chemicals melting hair off of your skin? What could go wrong?! Cut to me, legs (both, because apparently I am above patch tests) covered in the odd-smelling foam, and thinking to myself "Ooh, my legs are getting warm, that must mean it's working!" about 60 seconds later, "Ooh my! That is BURNING! I should probably keep it on a little while longer to ensure it's all removed." Ahh yes, there was indeed no hair left of my legs. No outer layer of skin either, but for sure no hair. Nair: A sensitive skin's worst nightmare.

2. Spray on self-tanner should not be cheaped out on. If you are going to do it at home, do not be a cheap ass. and if, you do succomb to your cheap-ass'd ness, do not BLOW DRY the tanner beads running down your arms. Exhibit A below. You will wake up with henna snakes, and your boyfriend waking you up in horror to say "BRI! WTF is up with your arms!?!?". On the day you have a wedding to attend. Outside. In July. Good luck keeping your arms down. Next time? Don't cheap out, and go to a salon.


3. If you feel the need to bleach the bejesus out of your hair, multiple times, it's probably not the best to follow that routine up by straightening it multiple times a day, sans heat spray.

3 1/2. When the owner of the hair salon you work at tells the stylist doing your hair, "If it melts off from the bleach, it isn't your fault.", you should probably STAHP with the bleach, whatdoyafigure.

4. Drink water like your life depends on it. Oh wait! It does. Every organ in your body will thank you, including your skin.

5. You know who looks good with frosted pink lipstick on? Barbie.

6. If you can smell your own perfume, strongly, so can the people in the nearest city. Tone it down. Everyone will thank you. Especially if your favorite scents include- but are not limited to: Patchouli, Cotton Candy, and or anything with "Sugar" in the title.

my hot sister

7. Thou shalt NOT use concealer as lip gloss. Okay, backstory here. I have big lips. And I used to hate my big lips. To the point where I never used concealer all over, I just used it on the edges to lighten them up a little, and make them "appear" smaller. Do you know what happens when your lips match your face? Well for one, they match your face. For two, your teeth look yellow. And, your sister will never stop making fun of you for it. EVER. (as shown. she is so hilarious.) ;) 

8. Thou shalt not SMOKE CIGARETTES. Ugh, if I could go back and slap 17 year old me, I would. Hard. I don't anymore, but truly truly wish I had never even done so back then.

9. Washing your makeup off at night is not optional, it is mandatory. Unless you enjoy the knowledge of falling deep into your "beauty" sleep with pores stuffed full of toxins/makeup/oil/dirt, suffocating for air....

10. Eyebrow waxing at home is an art-form, not a skill picked up at birth. Do not do so when you're feeling sloppy, or worse, tipsy. You will wake up the next morning thinking "That's funny, when I woke up yesterday, I had 2 full eyebrows, now I have 1 1/2."

The things I do for beauty, oh my. Unfortunately, I tend to not learn lessons very easily, so I'm sure this will not be the end of my saga. Any horror stories you are willing to share? ;)


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