Thursday 25 July 2013

Sometimes it isn't enough.

I forgot what this felt like, this soul crushing, seemingly never-ending pain. The type that feels like your heart is just going to explode from all of this sadness, and take you with it. The last time I had this kind of heartbreak, I was 16 years old and broken up with my first boyfriend, my first love. I feel like I'm back in my bedroom at my parent's house, crying so hard I'm hyperventilating. Except this time I'm in my room I designed for us, looking at an empty closet where your clothes used to be. This wasn't in the plans. I was done. I had met my soul-mate, my other half, and we were going to get married, have ridiculously cute babies, and live happily ever after, taking vacations in Europe, Thailand, and anywhere else we wanted to go. Because we were in love. We are in love. But, as this lesson has been drilled in my head in the most painful way, loving each other wasn't enough. It didn't fix the problems that were there; we tried pushing them away, I tried fixing them myself, but those things don't just go away if you ignore them. They get bigger and push all the good out of your lives until that's all that is left, and you're left with a shell of what your relationship used to be. I don't know the exact date we stopped being "us", but slowly over time it happened, and the new "us" isn't the one who take happy vacations all over the world, they tip toe around each other, not wanting to address the elephant in the room. We stopped talking, we stopped kissing hello and hugging each other because we just felt like it. I didn't just lose my boyfriend, I've lost my best friend. My confidant, my bug squisher, heavy lifter, water-jug filler, partner in crime, my everything. The first person I want to tell my stories to, and go to for advice. I am a believer in the universe decides our plans for me, I have a tattoo to commemorate that belief, but I'll be damned if this doesn't make any sense. This isn't fair. I guess if our paths lead us back to each other, we'll know that there is nothing in this world that can come between us; but for now, I can't listen to any one of my cds because you either made them for me, or every song reminds me of a memory of you. I stole the t-shirt you wore on the day you asked me to be your girlfriend, so you wouldn't pack it and I could sleep with it at night, because just like the songs take me back, the smells do too. And it smells like you. It takes me back to you having a beard and long hair, and me having fake nails and wearing too much makeup. It takes me back to us lying in the grass with rain falling on our faces, and not paying attention, because we had just become us.


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