#WeCantDateIf

Hey guys, remember how much fun dating is? Yah, neither did I. The last time I "dated", was in high school. HIGH SCHOOL. This shit has chaanged since then, oh me oh my. First off, do you know how many ways you can creep on your potential date? A scary amount of ways. I decided pretty early on not to do that, because it doesn't paint a clear picture. Difficult to do? Hell yes, I'm a snoop. But, I wanted to get to know these people the organic way, not what their Facebook page had to say about them. But, I digress. This has been fun. Not so much in a "Oh my goodness I just love dating! The rush! The thrill! I could do this forever." F-ck no. It sucks. My favorite part was dissecting the truly awful with my best friends, over too much wine. Now that is fun. My sarcastic nature thrived on this part.

#WeCan'tDateIf *:

• You shave more hair on your body than I do. Are you trying to play it off as though you haven't sprouted through puberty yet? Sexy. If you must, at the very least, wax it. Stubble is nobody's friend. 


• Manscaping in general. There's the polite amount which everyone appreciates, and then there's "hey you wanna borrow my lipchap?" aka, a fine line.


• You think you're prettier than me. Let's be honest here, I need to be the pretty one..


• You know you're prettier than me. (hint hint: even if this is true, keep that thought to yourself. You don't see me telling you my hair is better than yours.)


• If you use the line "All I am right now is a really good friend to you.." Aww, hunny. I may not have been born that long ago, but it sure wasn't yesterday. Good effort though.


• Really bad tattoos. One? Fair enough, we all make mistakes. More than one? We call that "shitty taste".


• You use the word "bro" and or "swag" enough to be ironic, but you're not saying it ironically.


• Your favorite conversation topic is yourself.


• Your least favorite topic of conversation is me.


• Hockey Player. Yes, yes I'm sure you're "one of the nice ones". Except that you're not. Unless you stopped playing hockey before high school started, you're not. Case closed.


• You live with your parents. Hey, wanna go make out in my room while my mom cooks us dinner?....:


• Unless you are unemployed and drive a shitbox, I don't care how much money you make. Or what you drive. In fact, if we hang out more than once, it will probably be a while until I can give a better description of what you drive other than "light colored truck...?" or "blackish car.. maybe a toyota?".  You being able to carry on a conversation and be interesting is worth more to me than the commas in your bank account.


• You take mirror shirtless selfies. NO.


• Selfies at the Gym. No, no, no no no.

*If, while reading this, you thought: "Oh shit, is that.. is she talking about me!?" Welllll, maybe. most likely. Welcome to my blog! Didn't know you'd read it. Just be grateful I didn't use names here fellas. And just know that if you weren't a Grade A Douche, you wouldn't have been written about. So, who's reeally to blame here? ;)