WELL.
That ninja beetle was having none of it. Obviously toilet paper was not going to do the job, so thankfully I had a Ziploc container upstairs - for emergencies like this. It's like he heard me plotting his death. I slowly climb out of bed to grab my container; come back? Beetle's gone. Now he's on the opposite side of the room, walking along a ledge. So, I cup him with my container and let him stew for a second, wondering how I'm now going to transport him to his watery grave without him actually touching me. I grab a piece of paper to slide over and act as a shield, and as soon as I move the container you know what happened? Motherf-cker HISSED at me. Cue shrill screams and jumping back on to my bed like a good old fashioned stereotype. So alright hombre, you want to do this? Let's do this. Second attempt, I go down to the container and he's on his back, legs up, done. defeated. Well that was easy! No no no, like I said, this was a stealth beetle. He faked me out! As soon as I lifted the container, the hissing was back and he was pissssed off. "Why you playing me like this girl? I just wanted to hang out." is what I imagined him thinking. Somehow in my heroic bravery I managed to transport him to the toilet, where I flushed him with a very dignified "peeeace sucka!" BUT. I just flushed him alive, what if he came back with back up, UP MY TOILET?! These are the things I think about being home alone, I'm going to have a beetle war on my hands. So I squeezed a good amount of toilet bowl cleaner in, and shut the lid. Fume them out, that'll teach them. Clearly I can't use that toilet for a week or so just to make sure, so thank goodness I have two bathrooms in my house, the second one clearly for emergency situations such as this.

What does this all have to do with my need for a furry companion? You think a CAT would let that kind of riff raff in their home? Heck no! Especially not a cat named Henry. He means business, he's no nonsense. Also, you know what a beetle is to a cat? Nature's protein, that's what it is. Finally, cat's are such little a-holes, I could use the entertainment.
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