Wednesday 28 August 2013

Wanted: No nonsense, furry companion.

I don't like bugs. I used to (o_O), but now they freak me out. Make my head itch, blech. Not a fan. I realize they are all a vital part to our Eco system (side-eyeing you mosquitos, don't know how you've managed to make the cut), so I ignore them, they ignore me, and it's all perfect harmony. This all went to hell last night. I'm in bed watching TV, and I hear this weird flutter from my window. I looked over, saw nothing, thought nothing of it and went back to watching Friends (because, duh). Well, out of the corner of my eye I see antennas, probably 2 inches long. Attached to these antennas was a Big. Ass. Beetle. No, No no no. I'm sitting in bed watching this new housemate of mine walking along my windowsill, and I'm weighing my options: 1. I need to flush it, that is the adult thing to do. No, you are not going to release it back into the wild, he'll go tell his other buddies that you're a softy and then they'll all come to party. Also, you're going to capture this thing in your hand and walk downstairs to let it out? As IF.  2. If you don't kill it because you're a chicken, there's a good chance he'll make a bed in your blonde hair and you'll have a snuggle buddy to wake up to in the morning, how does that sound? So obviously, time to put on my big girl shoes and eliminate this sucka.


That ninja beetle was having none of it. Obviously toilet paper was not going to do the job, so thankfully I had a Ziploc container upstairs - for emergencies like this.  It's like he heard me plotting his death. I slowly climb out of bed to grab my container; come back? Beetle's gone. Now he's on the opposite side of the room, walking along a ledge. So, I cup him with my container and let him stew for a second, wondering how I'm now going to transport him to his watery grave without him actually touching me. I grab a piece of paper to slide over and act as a shield, and as soon as I move the container you know what happened? Motherf-cker HISSED at me. Cue shrill screams and jumping back on to my bed like a good old fashioned stereotype. So alright hombre, you want to do this? Let's do this. Second attempt, I go down to the container and he's on his back, legs up, done. defeated. Well that was easy! No no no, like I said, this was a stealth beetle. He faked me out! As soon as I lifted the container, the hissing was back and he was pissssed off. "Why you playing me like this girl? I just wanted to hang out." is what I imagined him thinking. Somehow in my heroic bravery I managed to transport him to the toilet, where I flushed him with a very dignified "peeeace sucka!" BUT. I just flushed him alive, what if he came back with back up, UP MY TOILET?! These are the things I think about being home alone, I'm going to have a beetle war on my hands. So I squeezed a good amount of toilet bowl cleaner in, and shut the lid. Fume them out, that'll teach them. Clearly I can't use that toilet for a week or so just to make sure, so thank goodness I have two bathrooms in my house, the second one clearly for emergency situations such as this.

photo~Barely does it any justice. This thing was the size of my pinky and double the width. aka HUGE.

What does this all have to do with my need for a furry companion? You think a CAT would let that kind of riff raff in their home? Heck no! Especially not a cat named Henry. He means business, he's no nonsense. Also, you know what a beetle is to a cat? Nature's protein, that's what it is. Finally, cat's are such little a-holes, I could use the entertainment.

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